I’ve just reached my old high school weight. And by that I mean the weight of my old high school.
Wouldn’t you know it? We’re two weeks into 2015, and I’m still writing 2014 on my restraining orders.
Instead of making a New Year’s resolution to lose weight, this year I resolve to buy bigger clothes.
I’ve got a $2 bottle of champagne, but tonight I’m gonna party like it’s $19.99.
(I’m going to say this every year, so get used to it!)
This holiday season, I’m thankful I didn’t receive a group text that said “Merry Christmas!” from a phone number I didn’t recognize, followed by texts that said “You too!”, “Who is this?” and “How do I get off this group text?”
If you go to a Christmas party that gives prizes for the most hideous sweater, a Cosby sweater will win hands down.
It’s been 25 years since the Berlin Wall came down. On that day, West Berlin got all their frisbees back.
(joke from Howard Stern)
As a cruel joke, Matthew McConaughey should just walk up to women and say, “I’ll sleep with you if you can spell my name.”
It’s mid-November, and the 7-Eleven near me is playing Christmas music 24 hours a day. If you thought the cashiers looked sad *before*…
I’m quite certain I use paper towels for bacon more than I do spills.