“Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for 162 games. This guy has left behind more needles than my Christmas tree.” — David Letterman
“Extension cords? Why don’t they just make the electrical outlets closer to things?” – David Letterman
I’ve got a $2 bottle of champagne, but tonight I’m gonna party like it’s $19.99.
(I’m going to say this every year, so get used to it!)
I just saw someone put their tongue on a metal pole, and it stuck! This is the filthiest strip club I’ve ever been to. Merry Christmas, everyone!
I love that character in “A Christmas Story” who can’t put his arms down. No, wait… I’m thinking of Governor Chris Christie.
Dang. Los Angeles just had its first rainbow in years, and someone sprayed graffiti on it.
Does anyone know if there’s a new “Anchorman” movie coming out?
15 Things You Don’t Know About Me
1. I procrastinate.
Yesterday for Veterans Day, I made sure I had *American* cheese on my Subway sub. Alas, it did not cost $17.76.
Are you ready for a great game show that’s only on TV in just over a dozen cities? If your answer is a resounding “maybe,” then I have the show for you! “Let’s Ask America” is a show I added my comedic talents to as a producer. Contestants play from home via Skype try to guess the results of our crazy nationwide polls. Good show if you can get it! Visit letsaskamerica.tv to see if it’s on within a radius of you!